What will they remember about me?

We all slept great last night. We needed it. Ella has been in my bed ever since she got gag (her word, not mine) all over her bed. I’ve washed the sheets and quilt but she’ll have no part of it. I kind of like having her in my bed other than the fact that she’s a noisy sleeper.

Ella is mended and well. Amelia I thought was better but she has thrown up the last 2 nursings. Its funny. She’s had nothing but breastmilk for going on 3 days and her poos have turned back into Newborn poo. Is that possible or is it diahreah? Who knows. And maybe she’s throwing up because she ate a graham cracker? I wouldn’t think so. I only gave it to her because she asked and it had been more than 24 hours without so much as a spit up. I hope the night won’t be as long as the last time she was puking.

I’m run down. I’m getting sick. I can feel it. My throat, ears and sinuses hurt. I did like 6 loads of laundry today and spot cleaned the carpet to get the “gag” off of it. And went to Target for bananas and bread. Ended up with zoo pals plates and cookie sprinkles to go with it. Why does that always happen at Target? I should be banned. In hindsight, we should have just stayed home and called someone to bring us bananas. Amelia was worse off for it and Ella was a bear the entire time were were in there. I just wanted to air us out.

Why is it that it’s a chore to take both of them anywhere? We can’t sit through church. I try to do my grocery stuff and pharmacy and whatever else when Ella is in school. It’s just a chore to do anything. Getting them into the van takes forever. Doing anything takes at least twice as long these days. I think it might be me. I’m not very focused. The very thought of having to move in a month (I got the house, BTW) is just about enough to send me into hives.

The girls and I are going to Omaha to stay with my sister and see mom and dad on Tuesday and we are staying about a week. It’s a 4.5 hour drive without kids and about 6 with them. It’s not fun. I’m considering springing for a dvd player for the van. Not that I want to listen to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Curious George (the lesser of all of the kid show evils, by far) all the way to Grammy and Papa’s but it’s better than the whining and the stopping to pee because somebody is bored. Did you know that I have actually said to my 3 year old on the 4th potty stop in 2 hours, “you aren’t wasting my time are you?” Who says that? Is that what she is going to remember about me?

What will be the lasting memory that our children have of us? Will it be the tears and the frustration? Will they remember how sad I am now? Will I always be? I remember my mother’s smell. She still has it. I think it’s just her. She doesn’t wear perfume anymore and I’m sure she’s changed cosmetics and laundry soap since I was a kid. But to me, she still smells the same. I also remember her saying “Stop hanging on me and go play.” Alot. I find myself saying it too. And it’s hard knowing that there are some things that a grownup has to do and entertaining children isn’t always on that list. At least not around here. And I can see that her feelings are hurt sometimes. But then there are times that we do play and the more we play, the more she wants to play. It’s insatiable.

But, what do I want her to remember? What will she want to keep in her heart? She won’t remember the pile of laundry overtaking my couch but she will know that we fingerpainted with chocolate pudding once and I let her lick it off her fingers when she was done. Or will she?

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