Do you go to bed and wake up fresh for a day like tomorrow or do you stay up and finish? I’m tempted to stay up and pack what I can with a sleeping babe in the room but I’m so tired (see previous post) that I just want to crawl in bed.
I had an interesting conversation today. A very good friend’s husband called to ask if I still needed help. Yes I do and thanks for calling. And he called with the news that his wife is 11 weeks pg and they just heard the heartbeat today and all is well. They have a DS that is 5 weeks older than Ameila. He said that she is very sick with all day sickness that she didn’t have with her DS. He said that he would be here to help but not until she and their DS were set for the day. “I’ve been playing Mr. Mom alot these days.” My reply was, “yeah, I’ve been playing Mrs. Dad alot these days too.” Probably a little snarky even though he didn’t seem put off.
I had just finished assembling a bed frame for my new bed and thunking the mattress and boxspring down all by myself. I was very proud of myself. But the thought of a nice DH doing dishes and throwing in some laundry so his wife could have a moment to be ill got me a little hot under the collar. Actually, I was intensely jealous. He was clearly proud of himself, taking care of his family and all.
I am truely happy that they are adding to their family though. They are the kind of parents that should bless the earth with about a dozen kids.
Can I be selfish for a moment? Can I want somebody to care for my needs? I’ve been sick for a month. I can’t seem to catch my breath even to heal. I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want to ask for anything. I want it to just happen. I want to be suprised. When I’m sick, I only get more work. When I’m sad, I don’t even get a minute. When I’m angry, I have to keep it in check so I don’t scar my children with my words. When I’m hungry, I have to fend for myself. When I’m bored, I have to call people who have better things to do. When I actually get time away from my kids, I do what must be done rather than what I would like to do.
Today has been 2 months. I don’t know if it’s because I’m busy in a different way but it has gone fast. Faster than when my days were filled in waiting rooms with the smell of medical adhesives and latex gloves in my nose. My heart aches. And aches, and aches, and aches.
I hope this isn’t a situation where things will get worse before they get better. Please tell me that it will get better.