On the edge (of the curb).

I don’t know what I need. Today was, decidedly, not a better day. It probably has something to do with lack of sleep and the sinus infection that is all too slowly on the mend. At least I’m not coughing myself into a prolapsed uterus anymore. So, maybe it’s sleep I need.

Even though the kiddos were up too early, we didn’t make it to church because I knew that Amelia would need a nap, mmm, right about sermon time. So no church for us. It’s just too hard. I don’t get anything out of it other than being seen. It keeps people from calling. So I used our morning energy to pick up and clean the main floor. Ella was a willing participant and even Amelia must have sensed “get out the way, fool”. I remember my mom sending out those vibes in my childhood. Swept, mopped, counters, vacuum, spot clean the carpet, laundry. All at once sweep. It was nice. The rest of the day went downhill.

We all went to the basement to sew. Okay, I was sewing and that’s where their playroom is located. And the tv too unfortunately. I couldn’t get Ella away from Noggin all afternoon (as a side note, she needs to go back to preschool because Noggin is for sure not the preschool it claims to be) and because Amelia could care less about what’s on tv, she had to bug me. I’m working on the cube so I guess the good thing is that I don’t need a whole lot of concentration at this point but she was busy doing inventory on my feet bag, shaking the can of spray air, unrolling the raffia and trying desparately to open the bags of poly fill. Actual sewing time: 15 minutes. But, I have all 6 sides done and ready to begin assembling. Yea me! So, maybe the children need more attention than I already give them.

When a child (and we are referring to both of my children) is over affectionate to the point of it being a slobber fest competition, does that mean they are lacking something important like attention? Should I lead playtime more often. Have a schedule? Keep them moving? Enroll them in something else (Ella has ballet, they both have Kindermusik)? Does it mean that they are lacking in parental affection? Am I do be affectionate enough for 2 parents?

Know what, I’m a woman on the edge. I’m tired of sharing my bed. I’m pretty much done nursing (90% of the time). I’m tired of the 24 Hour all mommy juice bar Revue. We never close. I need help. I don’t know if I need a brain break (take a class, have a standing date with a girlfriend for wine and tappas). I don’t know that I need a break from my kids. I’m without Ella for 5 hours a week. If I could just get Amelia gone for those same 5 hours, I’d be golden. Do you know how much I could get done (or not done if the situation came about)? I may never have to go to the market with them ever again. I am on the edge. Not of anything drastic. I’m on the edge of, say, a curb. I could fall and get a nasty sprain. These? Are not drastic times.

But I’ll tell you what, after the 2nd time of trying to nurse Amelia to sleep tonight when I knew she had to be wrecked and she’s playing and kissing and licking me. I just about lost it. Like called a neighbor and went for a drive. Went for a drink. Got away. Sunday night? Small town. Wanna know where I’d probably end up? Walmart. Or Farm and Fleet.

Tomorrow is the 7th. 3 months have passed. 8 months gone since final diagnosis. 3 years ago, give or take a month or two, he started complaining of night pain in his upper thigh. 6 years ago he had a tumor on his chin removed by a plastic surgeon. It was the size of a golf ball. Also 6 years ago, Will was conceived on this very day, January 6.

Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m missing out on being pregnant. I miss having something to look forward to. I generally don’t like pregnancy except the 15 weeks or so in the middle.

So maybe that’s what I need. Hope. The hope of something exciting to look forward to. I need hope.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day,


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