Not enough faith.

Couple of things. I went back to the doctor today. He must really think I’m stalking him. I’ve been there 4 times in the last 10 days, once for Ella and 3 times for me. This pinkeye isn’t clearing up with the drops. I also did breastmilk and Similason drops. Nada. No better. And, the other eye was getting just as bad. I look like I’ve been hit with a sack of nickels. Not pretty.

We know now that it’s not bacterial because the antibiotic drops clearly aren’t working. He’s pretty sure it’s not viral (although it might be) because the girls don’t have it. He thinks it may actually be a rare reaction to the antibiotic, Bactrum, that I got for my sinus infection. I’m allergic to Penicillin. He says that may not be it but almost everything else has been ruled out. So now I have steroid drops (read: expensive…holy crapola…I just about tried to negotiate with the clerk at CVS). They worked within 2 hours.

Figures.

Then I got the lecture about how I need to take better care of myself. Rest, eat food, exercise, take time for myself, blah, blah. And all the time I’m looking at the clock thinking how late I was picking Ella up from school and I shouldn’t have tried to squeeze into the office between Amelia’s nap and Ella’s pickup time.

Watched Grey’s Anatomy tonight. Cried like a baby. First of all, I still blame myself for what happened to Will. I couldn’t keep him safe and my faith couldn’t save him. I had no faith. None. I couldn’t believe anyone, even myself. I couldn’t trust my own eyes. Or my own gut.

And Stephen? I know that what happened to him couldn’t be helped. Not really. I also know that the morning after he was diagnosed I looked it up on the internet. He told me not to because it would scare me but I had to know. On Sarcoma.org, his type of sarcoma “when metastatic is universally fatal.” I remember printing it out. I still have it. I remember reading it off the printer when I got out of the shower. It was May, my mom was in town helping and the windows were open in my room. I remember dropping to my knees and reading it again. And I thought to myself. “okay, well. That’s it then.”

I never did tell him that I looked it up. I never told him that I knew how it was going to end. Like Titanic or Romeo and Juliet. You watch the movie and you hope that the ship, just this one time, misses the iceberg or that the letter gets to Romeo in time (or was it Juliet…I can’t remember. I was blinded my Ralph Finnes…or was it Joseph…I can’t remember. Doesn’t matter in the dark.).

So you hope that it’s wrong. You hope that the information is outdated. You meet the doctors and one of them says “I’m sorry but this is going to take your life.” And you tell the love of your life “what do they know? They don’t know us…we can fight this.” And in the back of my mind the words ring out “universally fatal.”

That’s not faith.

I didn’t have faith enough to save either one of them. And I sincerely hope that I find it in time so that I have enough when I need it again. If I need it again.

As a side note, there were 2 song from the episode that I. Must. Have. Must. Have. Those people have excellent taste in music. I swear my itunes is nothing but 3 seasons of music.

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