|Pop quiz: How do you know if your children have too many clothes?
It’s when you can pack for 8 days for a totally different climate and your kids’ drawers are still full.
I packed for our trip today. Several times actually because my children needed to “help”. What’s important to a 3 year old? 1 pair PJs, 3 pair underwear, 19 pairs of socks, 2 shirts, slippers, robe, Duckie, 1/2 box Duplos, 1 puzzle (Elmo), Amelia’s giraffe, swim goggles, 5 playsilks and all the people from her Dollhouse.
Notice the lack of pants. And goggles but no swimsuit. I repacked her after she fell asleep. Hopefully I won’t have to do it again tomorrow. I am pleased with my kicky new wardrobe from WM. It washed up nice and soft and didn’t shrink.
I have good sized knockers. Large for my body size actually. And it’s not all nursing. Amelia never has nursed from my right side so I’m always off. Not that anyone is looking Anyway, I feel like I’ve come straight from the slick pages of National Geographic. Especially when I’m not wearing a bra which is usually only when I sleep. The problem comes because, as shirts age, they get shorter. I am also cursed with the short torso so you wouldn’t think it would be an issue. So if I were to wear a short shirt to bed or to lounge, one could probably see something (ala Miss Chokesondick from SouthPark) peeking out the bottom edge of my shirt.
Yes, it is that bad.
So now, in addition to my quest for the perfect undergarments (current fave is the Hanes with the Comfort Soft waistband…mmmm…), I’m also looking for a shirt that will accomodate said knockers and not look like a maternity shirt.
You know the ones in the Plus Size section? They all have V necks, lace around the neck, horizontal stripes, gathers under the breast and flare out at the hips. Looks like a maternity shirt. And what’s with the horizontal stripes? There are very few people who look good in horizontal stripes and none who shop for Plus Sizes at WM. Trust me. It can’t be done. Or shouldn’t be done. Either way, it’s wrong.
Not that I’m a fashionista or anything. My idea of “fashion forward” is my bedazzled Birkenstocks. They came like that, I didn’t do it myself.
Can you be arrested for the hiring of someone else to impersonate you on the phone?
I’ve been putting off and putting off the calling of skeezy landlord for a few weeks now. A month. Or more. Definitely more. I hate being a girl. I hate that I roll over when confronted. I rarely answer my phone let alone confront anyone on it. I have a friend who has absolutely no problem growing brass balls on the phone. So, she offered to call Sir Skeeze and demand what’s due to me. I took her up on it and offered to wash her minivan and clean it out if she could make that call and have something actually happen. She wants to do it and I don’t.
There was a time when I would have called the Pope if he owed me a grand. It’s not like I don’t need it. Heaven knows I do. I have 2 little girls to raise on nothing but Social Security. But I have lost all my backbone. I used to be hard core. Now? Not so much.
I don’t think of it as lack of backbone so much as filled with caramel and creamy nougat (for the baby) with a molten peanut butter center. The shell is thin and prone to cracks though so handle gently.
There is no fight left in me. I’ve said this before but I don’t know what I’d do if one of the girls got sick or had something traumatic happen to any of us. I just don’t have it in me to fight. I’d roll over and show my soft underbelly and that would be it. Is that something you get back, the fight? Does it grow as the shell hardens? Does having one preclude the getting of the other?
All I know is that in 36 hours, I will be on a plane to south Texas (Mexas if you will…). I get to escape the winter and the darkness and the cold for 8 days. But, it’s 8 days in a trailer at a retirement community with my husbands father and his wife. There won’t be any other children for miles and miles. So my children will be carted around like real princesses for days and days.
And I will be horizontal, in a lawnchair with a book on my chest and a wine cooler at my side. I will nap every day at noon. I don’t have to be a taxi service, cook, nanny, housekeeper, hostess or anything. I will be horizontal.
That’s the new Plan.