It’s almost midnight and I’m sitting here pissed off with a bowl of Crunch Berries. I’m sure Amelia will wake up any minute.
I’ve been mad since this afternoon. I was watching Oprah. Lest ye judge, I was also folding 3 loads of laundry and my kids were taking a nap. Anyway, I normally don’t watch it but I was sucked in.
It seems there is this book, “The Secret”. Now, I haven’t read it so I really can’t attest to its meaning or its purpose but what I gathered that “the secret” is the power of positive thinking. There are all these people walking around proclaiming that true love was right under their nose but didn’t show itself until they were positive thinkers. Or great wealth. Or better health. Or whatever. The point is that you can change your life by your attitude.
Pardon me, but that’s crap. Just from a mathematical sense, that just can’t be true. If good things happen because of positive thinking then, conversely, bad things must happen because you don’t think positive. But nobody will let you believe that statement because we’d all go jump off a bridge if that were the case. Who walks around all cheerful like just to increase their fortune? Does it make it true because we believe it to be true? So it’s a placebo. If you believe it to be then it is.
I know it doesn’t do me (or anyone else) any good to walk around with poor self image or a surly attitude but, at some point, you need to be true to your own feelings and not act out some happy, happy, joy, joy just to get a better parking spot or so that you find a $10 bill in last year’s winter coat. And by “you”, I mean “me”. This is, after all, all about me.
I’ve had my fair share of crappy things in the last 6 years. I’ve also had some good ones. And I can’t tell an attitude change that causes one or the other. (Other than the whole parking spot thing…I’m a firm believer that if you get rock-star parking, you were meant to be there.) Stephen’s good general attitude kept him alive for longer than anyone expected. And it wasn’t until he was in pain every minute that his attitude understandibly changed. And then he died. Okay.
But my view of the cards I have been dealt isn’t exactly stellar. I feel like, once again, that the universe owes me something. That I must have made somebody mad at some point on a karmic level even though that’s not exactly what I believe. I do believe in low level karma. Like if you spit gum out on the ground, you will step in hot gum later. But that’s as far as I can see. I still feel like I am owed some happy days.
Ella said to me tonight when I was getting her PJs on (waaayyyy too late because of the late nap), “Mommy are you happy?” Yes baby. “Then why is your mouth always turned down? Are you mad?” No. I’m just tired because I don’t get alot of help and there are lots of things that need to be done. My 3 year old is noticing. I don’t have enough happy moments, let alone happy days. They will probably come.
I won’t be reading the book. Screw Oprah. At least for today. Screw her and her whole “I went looking for something and it had been there all along…”
I am reading “Saving Graces” by Elizabeth Edwards. I’m not very far into it but I caught something in it early. It must be her personal mission statement and, when I’m not trying to type quietly and in the dark, I’ll quote it word for word. But the jist of it was that once she “knew” she had breast cancer she also knew that she had already gone through her worst day when she lost her teenage son to a car accident. With that knowledge, and she believed it with her whole heart, she just knew that she could beat the cancer. That there would be no single day worse than the one she had already experienced.
I read that several days ago and it’s my meditative thought. Which is better than my previous thoughts which involved a shoulder shrug and “I’ve seen (done/had/experienced/eaten/said) worse” So it’s kind of the same thing.
Elizabeth has my vote. Oprah lost mine. At least for today.