I learned several things about myself today. Things that I already knew but had to be reminded.
In the last 3 days, I have heard from 3 different boys (men) that have been in my life at one point or another. I toured with 2 of them and the other was a former student. One was recently “found” after dropping of the face of the earth when his wife left him, one is a workaholic and the other was out of state and just moved back. All have just heard about Stephen. And they all contacted me just this week. Which stirs up all kinds of emotions of nostalgia and better days. It makes me want to be a stagehand again. It makes me want to find a pub and plant myself all night with a hard cider and some good friends. Those three boys make me want to go back and make a different choice. But what I learned from them is that boys deal with loss very differently than my girlfriends who have flocked to my side at moment one. The boys hung back and all appeared with a gentle punch to the arm…”ya doin’ alright? That sucks. Sorry.”
I also learned that a kicky new haircut will do wonders for one’s outlook. I have been wanting something different. So I walked into a salon and said, “Cut it”. Drastic. Short. Shorty, short-short. Ever watch “Jon and Kate plus 8”? I’m Kate. Without being controlling. But the haircut? Looks fantastic on me. Should have done it sooner.
Here’s the problem. I don’t have any sense of style. I don’t travel with a stylist. I don’t own a roundbrush. I do have a blow dryer but it was purchased to put plastic on the windows at our old house to keep the drafts out. A blow dryer is a utilitarian tool at my house. It dries hair. Not styles it. Dries it. Heats plastic. Dries snowboots. And takes up space in a drawer next to the bag of makeup that gets as much use as my sportsbra. The point is that I will most definitely be unable to duplicate the look. Definitely lacking a roundbrush.
I agreed to do the opera gig. They found kick butt daycare for me and, this was the clinch, they are paying for it. That’s right. Since they don’t have to pay for my lodging or transportation as they often must do for out of town contracts, they are paying for my childcare. It was meant to happen. Just as I got rid of all of my black stagehand clothing when I moved. That’s all I needed…an excuse to do more shopping.
The other thing I learned today is that I’m a much better mom when I get a little time for myself. I got a haircut, dinner out with a friend, a margarita. It made me want a manicure and highlights. A cleaning lady. A personal trainer. All the things that make me roll my eyes. Why even have kids, lady. Does it always have to be all about you? But I had all kinds of patience with my kids when I got home. I’m sure there’s middle ground in there somewhere and I hope to find it.
We are leaving around noon for MILs. Wish us luck. It’s all I can do not to laugh sometimes though. She’s so predictable. I don’t even like who I am around her. I age about 15 years in how I talk and act. It’s really no wonder that I feel all passive aggressive around her. I’ve never really been myself.
Okay, it was 2 margaritas. But we didn’t know it was happy hour.
And those 3 boys? I love each of them for different reasons. But I only slept with one of them. They reminded me that I do have a bit of a sorted past. I don’t regret moving past that part of my life but it really was a reminder of how very, very different I am now than I was 8-12 years ago.