A letter to Ella

Dear Ella,

Let’s just start this by saying that I love you.  You were born out of love, from love and into love. 

But you, my dear, alternate between breaking my heart and making me insane.

You talk all. the. time.  You are never not talking unless you are asleep.  Even then, you talk in your sleep.  You talk before you are awake in the morning and you talk, cry and sing yourself to sleep at night.  You talk to strangers.  You remember everything you’ve ever seen, heard and experienced. 

But baby, you are breaking my heart into itty bitty little pieces.  It’s not your fault that you look just like your daddy.  And it certainly isn’t your fault that he got sick and died.  You’re not responsible for the condition of my broken heart.  But every day, your smiles and cuddles and tears remind me of what I, what we, have lost.  You weren’t even awake this morning and the first thing out of your mouth was “Daddy died…Daddy died and doesn’t live with us in our new house…Daddy died.”  I didn’t even want to get out of bed.  You weren’t even really awake.  Which means that you were in that place between asleep and awake.  The place where Daddy holds us all.

Please, please keep him there.  I need someone else to remember him the way I do.  Your sister will never know Daddy except in pictures and I’m going to need you to help me, okay?  You are a wonderful helper and a great big sister.

I’m sorry I’m so tired all the time.  I’m working through that so I can be a better mommy.  I’m trying my best.  No matter what happens as the years go by, please know that I’m trying to do the right thing for the three of us.  I’m trying not to be selfish.  I’m trying to find balance.  I’m trying to laugh again.  And you’re doing a good job at being you which makes me smile even though I cry sometimes.  I’m just a little bit sad.  And lonely.  I miss Daddy too.

We didn’t have the greatest day, you and I.  You tried my patience and pushed my buttons when I didn’t feel like being a mommy at all.  You refused to look at me when you were in trouble and I had to call you out on it and that’s frustrating.  You still change your clothes 15 times a day (you’re cute no matter what you’re wearing so can you stop doing that, please?).  You are irrational at times, noisy always and a constant source of mess and motion.

I couldn’t love you more if I tried.

I hope your dreams are sweet tonight, filled with good memories and friendly places.  I hope I will be a better mommy in the morning.  But, for tonight, I hope my sniffling doesn’t wake you.  I hope my tears will be dry by dawn.  I can only hope…for that and for us. 




One thought on “A letter to Ella

  1. Oh jenn, my heart breaks for you and your lovely girls, I’m sobbing over my keyboard, that was so terribly beautiful.

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