I have an idea for a new business model. I highly doubt that it’s gone beyond the “cocktail napkin” phase of development anywhere else so I’d really like to run with it. Seriously? If this shows up on the Today show as the hottest new invention of the decade I’m going to be mad.
Here goes: using my own children as prototypes, I’d like to create the sequel to the high school trainer/deterrant tool Baby Think It Over. This is for every school kid who turned in his/her baby saying in a smartass way to their teacher (and who teaches this? Home Ec? Child Development? Health?) “That wasn’t so hard…” The first sequel will be called “Toddler to Chase for a Week”. The second (you know, for the really smart assy kid) will be called “The Terrible Three”.
But let’s focus on the first sequel. The doll will feature:
–Only two words: “MINE” and “NO”
–Continuing night waking. Can be programmed to not be soothed back to sleep. Must use enclosed sippy cup, plastic teddy grahams and Elmo DVD. Every night for a week.
–Diaper contents that rival a grown man’s.
–If left alone for too long, can be programmed to dance on dining room table, knock over LazYBoy, suck Dr. Pepper out of previously tight container, spray said Dr. Pepper on freshly cleaned carpet, stand up in shopping cart at Wal-Mart, ride scooter into the street, eat chalk, eat play-doh and refuse to eat syrup coated pancakes at dinner.
–Gets filthy in the absence of visible dirt. Can also be programmed to refuse bath or scream through hair washing.
–Cute enough to want to keep. Kind of.
Moving on to the Terrible Three model.
–Model will weigh 35 pounds but model thinks she weighs 20 and will continue to body check you the second you get out of the shower.
–Able to scream at 110 dB.
–User must be able to interpret the foreign languages from the countries of Whine, The Republic of Dora, ICantSayMyRs and Screech in order to properly communicate.
–User must also be able to provide requisite entertainment in the form of water play, computer games, multiple DVDs, Digital cable, outdoor toys, music classes and preschool. Model will still be bored enough to sticker the entire hallway.
–Model can be programmed to consume nothing but poptarts and orange juice for indeterminate time. User will have to try all combinations to find the right one before model self-combusts.
–User must also click-count the number of times user tells model “No” in any given day. If it’s under 200, user fails class.
So, yeah. That’s about how my day went. It goes waaayyyy beyond waking to nurse in the middle of the night with a newborn and wwwaaaayyyy beyond colic and to vax or not to vax. This? Is about as real as it gets. Those little punks learn NOTHING with a mechanical baby. Spend time at my house…