Amelia learned a new word today. “Daddy”.
Actually, she re-learned it. It was one of her first words. She would light up every time he walked past her. She has his sweet personality and friendly, easy smile. She trusts everyone. She may be the one to look like me but it’s Stephen that she takes after.
Tonight, when I was getting her snuggled into bed, she put her baby on the pillow that I have vertically on her side of the bed so that she will feel it in the night and not crawl off. (Yes, she is still in my bed…) She said “Daddy’s Pillow. Baby ni-night daddy’s pillow.” I didn’t know that she knew. I didn’t know that she remembered who used to sleep there. Or maybe I have called it “daddy’s pillow” and didn’t realize it and she picked up on it. Either way, the word for the day is “daddy”.
I ache. I’m all achey missing him. I really thought that the change of weather from cool to warm would help my mood but I guess it hasn’t. This time of year brought us joy together. We started dating this time of year, got married in June, the girls were born in the summer, the swimming pool, grilling out, trips to Missouri and Omaha and Minneapolis. And I’m achey because we are doing all these things without him. The weather is pleasant and the windows are open at night and I’m all alone. (Not really because of toddler in bed but you know what I mean.)
I’ve gone past being tired because I’m busy all day with the girls. The reality is that I spend too much time on the computer. I spend too much time wondering what to do next instead of just doing it. I wait for the big chunk of time instead of using all the little ones. I’m not afraid to take both of them to the store or to a restaurant by myself. We travel well. I can get things done and take a shower without too much trauma. I have a small but infinitely useful group of friends who listen to all my caterwalling about my lonliness and ineptitude around the house. They take my kids for playdates and we come over for holidays and weekend evenings.
I still have the dreams where I’m driving and I put on the brakes and the vehicle keeps moving. Doesn’t matter what the vehicle is. I hold the brake to the floor as hard as I can and nothing slows down. I’ve been having it since I came off the daily Ambien. About once a week or so. I wake up just as I’m about to hit something or someone. And then I cry. And I’m alone. There isn’t anyone to comfort me in the darkness. Not even a soft snore. I get up and get some water and hope that I can get comfortable again on my own.
On my own.