Achey and broken.

The night before last, Ella woke me up around sunrise crying from a bad dream.  I comforted her and brought her a juice in a sippy (you’re gonna lose those baby teeth anyway so rot on, right?) and told her that it was still too early for wake up time.  After a glass of water and trip to the bathroom for myself, I tucked back into my bed next to a sleepy toddler.  She felt me in the bed and scootched over until she was right in the crook of my arm and breathed her milky breath in my face.  I was almost asleep when I felt like someone was talking to me.

“You are not alone.” 

I know.  I replied outloud.

And then I was asleep and we all slept past nine.  Was I dreaming?  Did I hear what I wanted to hear?  I may never find out. 

It’s weird feeling so lonely when I have such good friends around.  There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t talk to at least one of them, if not a real visit.  My kids are busy.  I have plenty to do (although my house is quite clean thankyouverymuch).  I just don’t get it.  There are so many little things that I miss.

Like this stupid WW thing.  I am soooo freaking hungry this time of night.  And maybe it’s just habit.  Maybe I’m used to eating a day’s worth of calories after my kids go to bed.  Or maybe it’s because I’m freaking starving?  Like for real hungry?  Or is the thought of having no points to “spend” making me hungry?  That’s why there was no post last night.  I was too hungry to concentrate.  I was cruising foodtv.com for recipies just to look at the pictures.  I was gazing at the kitchen counter, hoping that some fat-free, fiber filled cookies would jump out of the oven and into my mouth because I sure as hell didn’t have the energy to bake my own!  Wasting away…and then I broke down.  Before I could actually eat a whole stick of butter (wrapped in bacon of course), I made a Lean Pocket (5 points) and had a cup of fruit (1 point).  And then went blissfully to sleep.

The point of all of this is that I needed him here.  I needed his ideas.  I needed him to tell me that it was okay to eat if I was hungry.  I needed him to tell me that he would support me no matter what the scale said.  And while I know now that he is still watching over us, it would be nice to have a physical presence.  Not so much anymore to help around the house or because the girls need two parents (I feel like I have a good handle on housekeeping and parenting, at least for today) but because I need someone to take care of me.  I need someone to pick on and make jokes with.  I miss the ass grabbing and the laughing at how much alike we are and “what did we ever do without each other” moments.  Those little bits that are reminders from God that we married correctly.

I ache for that.

I ache for him.  Wow.

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