Focus.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch house…

A couple of things are bugging me so this is a little venty.  And here’s hoping that the people in question never find this missive.

1.  In laws are here.  Specifically, Stephen’s dad and stepmom.  Who are not speaking.  Who are on the verge of divorce and it’s been coming for some time.  When Will died, the counselor “warned” us that people who have lost a child are more like to get divorced than the general public.  Statistically.  I can see why.  Stephen and I were stronger because of it (or in spite of?).  We dealt with things almost the same.  We could talk freely and at any time.  There was nothing to hide.  FIL and stepMIL?  Not so much.  I had hoped that things were getting better.  I noticed that they were weird when we visited in January but now they don’t even talk.  But the thing is that I’m not sure that this is ALL related to what happened to Stephen.  Something to think about and revist.  Later.

2.  Ella starts school on Monday.  Who doesn’t love the first day of school?  Even just a little bit?  School supplies?  Haircuts?  Brown shoes?  I went to parent orientation tonight and sat in the back with all the other second-year mommies and got snarky.  The new director rocks my socks off.  But she didn’t know a thing about what happened to my family and how Ella is dealing with it.  So, I had a meeting with the director and Ella’s new teacher about it.  Every time I have to tell the story, it gets shorter.  Chunks of time are left out.  5 months, diagnosis to funeral.  What’s left to say?  Except how Ella is handling her end of things.  And how I want what I have been telling her to be consistent with what the school says.  I don’t want to go over all the gory details…I just want to know that my kid is going to be okay.  And it’s hard to not cry.

Sidenote:  The last month has been peaceful.  And I don’t really know why.  It’s like I’m used to the quiet.  I know how to answer the questions.  I’m used to being undersexed, underappreciated, understimulated (you know…intellectually…brain turning to mush).  What gives there?  I thought 2 years was the turning point.  Gah.  That’s what all the books say anyway.  Does that mean it’s going to get worse again?

3.  Facebook as a social addiction.  Discuss.  So, what happens when your darling, deceased husband’s ex-wife finds you on Facebook and adds you as a friend?  Right.  You add her because you’re nosy and want to know if she’s still hateful (which she is), still single (ditto) and pathetic.  Right.  And now I cringe every time she comes across my feed.  Because she got the fun, healthy years…and I got to build him back up after she tore him apart.  Because she got to keep the $7K rock… and we got the Visa bills.  Don’t get me wrong.  I wouldn’t change very much (except the Visa bill that she left him that I am stuck paying on…freaking 10 years later but whatever).  But now I don’t want her on my “social network”.  I’m going to have to look into that.  Oh, and the random high school people and college people who keep finding me.  There are the, oh, 5 people who I cared to find (and you know who you are) and I just don’t have the energy to answer every “It’s been forever!!!  OMG, what have you been doing???”  So I’m all stuck up and I just don’t.

4.  And then there’s WW.  To quote Mrs. Fletch:  WW can kiss the fattest part of my ass.  I’d like to add that while I’m not pleased that my kitchen is woefully understocked with yummy treats, you really can’t argue with results.  I’m down almost 10 pounds in five weeks.  So there’s that.  I still hate the meetings.  But my pants fit better and I have much less gastric distress.  So, five weeks later, I’m still doing it.  And it’s not so bad.  It gives me something to obsess over. 

So there it is.  Nothing earth shattering.  Nothing really blog worthy.  But there’s alot in my little head and I’m having trouble focusing.

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