I can only imagine.

I don’t remember much of the funeral.  I don’t remember what was said or even who said it.  I couldn’t tell you who was there but, oddly enough, I was acutely aware of who wasn’t.  What I do remember is the music.

He had a song picked out.  I used it at the end of the service.  It certainly wasn’t a sappy ending.

I found one the day of the funeral planning meeting.  It was posted on DSD.  I downloaded it on itunes and knew it was right.  I wish he would have known the song.  He had probably heard it at church but who gives it a second thought?  Who says “Oh yes, I’d like that song at my funeral”?

I remember the musicians.  The leader was a former student, one I had always liked.  His voice was like butter.  The other three were church staff but very close in age to Stephen and I, married with tiny children too.  I remember the music.  And how perfect it was. 

I also remember asking to be the one to place his ashes in the ground.  The hole was deeper than I thought it would be.  The box was also lighter than I thought it would be.  And much like Will seemed smaller at his funeral than when I had left him at the emergency room, I was suprised that a person could be reduced to a box.  To sand.  To dust. 

Once the box was in the ground, I went to Will’s marker two rows up and over 4 spaces.  I also wanted Ella.  We decided that she didn’t need to be at the burial.  She was at the funeral but I think it was just church to her.  She didn’t sit with me.  She sat with Robyn.  I sat with my sister. 

From the moment he died and then again right after he was buried, I had an intense feeling to be with Ella.  I was disappointed both times because she could have cared less…she was only three after all… but still.   She was what connected us.  Amelia did too but Amelia didn’t know him like Ella did.  She couldn’t talk about him like Ella could.  Can.  Does.

Today she asked me what daddy wears in heaven.  After a little bit of discussion, she came to the conclusion that he must be wearing his “doctor clothes” because that’s what she saw him in last and he died at the hospital.  We’ll just leave it at that.

It was a better day today.  No tears today.  Yet anyway.  Maybe that’s the swing of things again.  Back to normal.  Nothing to see here.

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3 thoughts on “I can only imagine.

  1. Jenn,
    My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry your having to go through all of this. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS.
    Angel

  2. I love the song “I can only imagine”. We used it as our processional at our wedding. As I listen to the words they seem fitting for a funeral too. My heart is heavy for you. I think it is helpful in the grieving process to relive these memories. I think it is our way of trying not to forget.

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