Don’t be a weaner.

I’ve been in bed twice.  And watched the clock click through the minutes.  I have several things itching my brain, not the least of which is Amelia.

Amelia is my baby.  And always will be from the looks of things.  I think about Ella and how, by this time, Ella seemed so much like a big kid in comparison to her newborn sister.  I know you’re not supposed to compare your children but I can’t help myself.  I was probably too hard on Ella…am…will be.  But this isn’t about her tonight.

Amelia sleeps in my bed.  Amelia is still nursing at night and at naps and, sometimes, when she catches that I am talking about nursing to someone else or there is a baby in the vicinity nursing.  A good portion of the time, I’m okay with it.  It’s not like nursing an infant.  It’s like five minutes or less and then off to play again.  Like a joey getting back into the pouch.  Then there are the times where I’m done.  Really, really done.  I’ve been pregnant or nursing for almost 7 years with a short break in between Will and Ella.  I’m done.

When I was done nursing Ella (a mere month before Amelia was born), I handed off bedtime to her dad.  I was gone more often.  She was kept busy and all was well.  She was ready and I was more than ready.  I don’t know how to do it this time.  It has been suggested that I go away for a week.  Right.  And who wants the crying toddler in that situation?  I suggested (when it was seasonable) that I sleep on the lawn and have (or hire as the case may be) a responsible adult sleep in the house.  I’m out of options.

She won’t sleep with Ella.  Not for more than two hours.   And she doesn’t take NO for an answer in the middle of the night.  During the day I can redirect and distract but at night I’m a wimp.  And I know what she wants.  And what I want is to go back to sleep so the easiest thing to do is shut her up and nurse her.

So this is really my problem.  I could wait.  Wait and see if she outgrows it.  I could start sleeping on the couch and see if proximity makes a difference. 

Or, I could just nurse her until college.  My kids are bound to be a little weird anyway…why not add that to it right?

But here’s why I don’t:  tonight I put Ella to bed with moments to spare before Grey’s.  It’s my guilty pleasure; my one hour in the week where I don’t tolerate bouncing children.  So tonight I didn’t have time to put Amelia down which means 10+ minutes of nursing.  So I shut off the lights and let her play or get on my lap or whatever.  After a bit, she crawled into my lap.

“Mama, na-na?”    Okay.

She assumes the position and, without me having to move, falls asleep.  Without nursing at all.  Amazing.  I watched my show in peace.  She was asleep right in the crook of my elbow, lips parted.  I watched her for a bit and noticed that she’s getting hair.  Lots of it.  And it’s finer than Ella’s.  Straighter too.  She looks like a doll in comparison to the burly preschooler who usually flops around on my lap.  I carried her to bed and covered her with my quilt.  I haven’t heard from her since…even my coming and going in the room. 

This is about me…the weaning…because I miss her.  She fell asleep without nursing and I miss her.  She is still in my bed and I miss her.  I will miss my baby.  Who is rapidly becoming not a baby anymore.  I’m ready to do big kid things.  I’m ready to be done changing diapers and scheduling around naps.  But I will miss my baby.


One thought on “Don’t be a weaner.

  1. Ryan is my only child. He’s almost 25. I nursed him, and I loved it. He loved it. It was my only good maternal thing. If I let him, he’d STILL be nursing, and I’m sure Fabulous Fiancee would object. At 18 months I was done, and he wasn’t. My boobs needed to be MINE again, to not leak or spurt, or to bestow to a worthy male (not my son) at my discretion. I sent him to grandma’s for a week. I did songs and stories at bedtime, I let him snuggle with me at night… but no more nursing. It’s hard. Especially when you love that bond. But it’s necessary. Sounds like Ella is close. She (and maybe you) might need just a tiny nudge, and I know it’s hard… you’ve lost so much, and you don’t want to lose anything more. Nobody can tell you when it’s time, but when you know it is, you have to do it, even if it means a “letting go” that hurts your heart a little bit.

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