What the deuce happened here?

I can’t seem to form a thought today.  Or for the last few weeks.  I’d apologize but this is about me so I won’t.  I have several things knocking around my brain and I can’t get them out.  So this is a sucky, random thought post.  No deep meaning.  Just dumping.

  • I am officially ready to move home.  90% sure.  Mostly.  Okay, I’d be there right now if I had the bucks to pay someone to pack my shit (heh, heh…perv) and move for me.  We all know how I feel about moving.  In general.  And while it’s true that I miss my family (read: my sister), I will miss my friends here an immeasurable amount.  Not to mention a whole community that was with us while Stephen was sick.  I feel like it’s a betrayal of their collective friendship to consider leaving.  Not to mention, what would Stephen think?  Leading me to…
  • What would Stephen think?  What would he say if he knew that I am barely holding on?  That I cannot seem to make a decision.  Again.  About anything.  How would he help me break this cycle of being okay/not being okay/feeling neutral?  What would he think about me staying up too late and falling asleep all day until I actually get a nap?  Would he know the harder edged, mouthier me that comes out only when faced with middle aged stagehands?  Which brings me to…
  • Will I ever get over this?  When will I quit saying “We” when talking about a decision or events or the “whys” of our life?  This isn’t about him anymore…this is about me.  And my girls.  Our girls.  That “We” made together.  Our girls.  Will I get over the feeling that he is just about to come home from work and hug me from behind while I am at the sink?  That his fingers will lace into mine just as we drift off to sleep…
  • I miss feeling small.  I miss being cared for by a man.  I do not like being mom and dad.  I do not like taking care of my own needs.  Not to mention the needs of others.  Speaking of needing…
  • I need to get rid of Noggin.  Or I will need to change the parents on Ella’s birth certificate to Moose A Moose and Zee.  She ignores me all day.  Alternating with crawling all over me and forcing sweetness in my face usually while I’m trying to do something important like Twitter or itunes sorting.  Can’t they see that I’m busy…
  • Busy.  Busy not doing what needs to be done.  Because I’m waiting for that magic day that almost never happens (once every 3 or 4 weeks?  maybe?) when both ragazzi are out of the house all at once.  And it’s never for long enough.  There is always more to do.  I? Can’t wait until they are both in school next fall.  If they are in school at the same time…
  • If we move, I will have to enroll Ella in the neighborhood school.  Which will be fine if we end up getting the house we want (.6 mile from the elementary school in a very good district).  But Amelia will probably not end up in preschool because 3 year old preschool classes fill very quickly and we will get there too late to enroll her.  Which brings me back to moving…
  • Really hard.  Really expensive.  Really tiring.  Is it really worth it?  Oh, but I miss my family.  And my friends who have known me for almost 2 decades.  And there the job potential…and grandma isn’t getting younger.  And neither am I…
  • I’m fairly certain that there is something hormonally wrong with me.  And not just in a girlie way (because, yuck).  I mean in an “endocrine specialist” way.  I think the 2 years of stress has taken a terrible toll on my body.  It had better be a hormone problem.  Because…
  • I find the treadmill incredibly boring.

Repeat.

Ad nauseaum.

Is it any wonder that I get out of the house at all?

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