Oh, eharmony, how you vex me. My brain is feverish trying to outwit you. All I want is a sign of life. Some form of personality that is sure to exist. Is anyone out there?
I tried to change my profile picture but you rejected it:
I figured I could get a response that I would not get if I used the tried and true profile picture. Lack of mascara and all. But, no, eharmony. You had to be an asshole, didn’t you? Why do you hate on creativity?
So I changed my responses from tame to…unusual? I’m considering pretending to be a man just to see what kind of things women are posing. Posting. Whatever. Think like a man. I know they are visual and since I can’t possibly pretend to be the hot chick, I have go with booze and food.
Question 1: What are you most passionate about?
My new answer: The perfect fried cheese, books that keep me up late at night, making sure my daughters do not grow up to be tramps and the owners of trucks with a bumper sticker that says “Save a horse, ride a cowboy.”
Question #2: What are THREE things for which you are most thankful?
My new answer: Clean laundry, laughing until I pee, Miller Lite
Question #6: What is the most important quality you are looking for in another person?
My new answer: I am looking for a grown up. I don’t mean an old fart, set in their ways, eats dinner before the news kind of grown up. I mean somebody looking for a real person. Oh, and a sense of humor is always nice.
Question #9: How do you typically spend your leisure time?
My new answer: Planning the next nap. Barring that, I bake. I bake cookies and bread and snacks and dinners.
Question #7: Other than appearance, what do people typically notice about you?
My new answer: I’m usually the funny looking friend of the hot girl. Because of that, I’m not noticed until much later.
Question#11: Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?
My new answer: I devour books like most people devour a taco. I would have to update this every day or so and that would just get annoying.
Question #12: Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.
My new answer: I laugh at things that twelve year old boys find funny.
Seriously? Does anyone actually read profiles anyway? I didn’t get a single match today. (Oh eharmony, are you on to me? Will you honestly take my money for a fourth month and not even get me a little over the sweater action?) If I had more ambition, I might call the better business bureau and have them come after Dr. Quack and his ultimate compatibility formula.
Still, the experience is not nearly as bad as Weight Watchers. Who knows? Maybe somebody out there will share my love of Nutty Bars.