Fifty thousand.

Fifty thousand hits in just over 2 years.

Thanks, internet, for the love.  I would not be where I am today without this blog. 

When I started writing, it was entirely for me.  I had to keep a record of my Ambien induced ramblings about life and death.  Mostly about death. 

And you try to celebrate little victories like everyone sleeping past 7am and potty training and that first plane ride together. 

The big, fat losses fueled by depression and Absolut vanilla would have been debilitating if I didn’t have somewhere to sort them all out.  And get a little comment love too.

But I’m not a comment whore.  I don’t ask for opinions and I rarely answer questions directly or respond to comments in any way.  Rarely.

Now, the Fat Camp thing is entirely different.  I feel like I have information to pass onto others…to do some good with my time and my words.  So, ask away.

But really, who has done what I have done?  How many of us (and I’m positive I’m not the only one) have buried a son and a husband, less than five years apart?  Seriously.  It’s a lonely place to be. 

I watch people all the time.  It’s my favorite hobby.  And I wonder what it would be like to be innocent again.  And I’m not talking childlike innocence but I’m talking about the whole “everything will be fine because everything has always been fine” kind of thinking that appears to prevail.  Parents whose children’s most traumatic issue is a broken arm. 

I don’t know.

I still have a chip on my shoulder, fifty thousand hits later.  I still feel like the universe or God or some-freaking-body owes me something.  Anything.  A couple really good years would be nice.

Wait.

What if it’s now?  What if these are my good years?  I mean, things are pretty good right now.  I’m in a good place.  The littles are thriving.  We have everything we need.  What if…what if…

Would it be selfish to want just a little bit more?  Some security, financial and otherwise, would be nice.  A date.  I could use a little positive male attention.  Time away.  Really away.  Far away.  Like, in the woods…away. 

Well anyway, thanks.  Thanks to anyone and everyone who reads this now or in the future.  I started this for me but I’m glad you’re along for the ride.

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2 thoughts on “Fifty thousand.

  1. You have totally inspired me. In lots of ways…Nutty Bars included! Anyhowz…I have hit the gym three days in a row (four if you count twice today; swimming lessons for the kid) and I hit a good spot today. Not only is it four days in a row it is four times in the past three years! I ran two miles and sweat like I was going to lose all my juice. It was great. And I thank you. I kept thinking, “If Jenn can do this, I can too!” You set standards and keep meeting them. It made me not quit after two minutes! Again…thanks. You are the best.

  2. Just lots of love… reading here has been a good thing for me and I thank you for your brutal honesty, your wicked sense of humor and for your way of just laying it out there, good bad or ugly. xo

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