Job fail.

It must be the season of discontent.

Case in point:  I have wanted a new design for this blog for a while now.  And now I have one.  It is fairly generic but I wanted to be able to change the header with a new note and accompanying photo as I feel the need.  Okay, it’s a little too generic but I think it will work for now.  Yes?

I went home sick from work today.  I woke up feeling crappy but, since they have a “must call in 2 hours before your shift” policy, I couldn’t very well call in sick.  Despite the 100.8 fever.  And the shakes.  And the sore throat.  And stiff neck.  The morning, as you can imagine, went from bad to worse.  I was originally told that I wouldn’t have a replacement available until 1pm.  That’s when I fell apart at the seams.  Unable to function.  I finished breakfast dishes, set out snack and announced/demanded/begged that I needed to leave.  Right now.  Can’t. Possibly. Live. Past. Noon.  And I left.  I mean, I gave my notice 3 days ago anyway so who cares what anyone thinks.

Did I mention that?  I quit.  Because I did.  Tuesday morning I sat down and explained that the schedule wasn’t working for me or my kids.  My house?  Is a mess.  My body?  Is a mess.  My children? Are a mess.  Something needed to change and the job was it.  I can’t do it.  It’s mostly the early mornings but it’s also the 9 hours a day, every day in daycare that really wasn’t working for the girls.  Okay, mostly Amelia who is done for the week by about 9am on Wednesday.  Ella is fine and is actually doing quite well.  But Amelia is a mess.

I wonder, rhetorically, if I will ever be content in a job.  I wonder if I will ever be NOT annoyed by co-workers or traffic or parking or uniform requirements.  I wonder if I will always mourn the loss of my freedom  and my time with my kids.  Or, if this is something that will come along with the girls getting older?  Like if they are in school all day…will it feel okay to hold a job?

Everybody does this.  Working, I mean.  That’s what we do as a part of society.  We are expected to work and contribute and make our own way.  So why is it so difficult to wrap my brain around having a real job?  Is it because I have had only contract work for the last half decade?  Is it guilt that I am somehow not a good mom when I work (because I decidedly am not)?  Does everybody look out the window on a beautiful summer day and wish they could walk away from it all?  Conversely, is there any kind of weather conducive to productivity and job contentment?

All I know is that I have great plans for the rest of the summer.  Plans that don’t include a 5am alarm (and a 5:09, a 5:18 and a 5:27).  My plans are also not really plans but that’s okay too.  We’ll take it one day at a time.  And I definitely have come to appreciate being home, even if I have to share it with messy children.

At least they are MY children.


5 thoughts on “Job fail.

  1. Glad to hear you cut out the stress and left the job. Not glad to hear that you are sick. (hope you’re on the mend)

    I work about 35 hours a week. I see my son for two hours in the morning and about 3 at night. I feel terribly guilty about this fact. While I know it’s what I have to do, it still hurts me to think that he’s essentially growing up without me. I know I’m not alone in this mindset; millions of other mothers and fathers struggle with this everyday. Just sucks.

  2. I’ve been a freelancer for 25 years and yesterday I received that sheet that the Social Security Administration sends out periodically to tell you how much you’ll receive upon retirement. I joked that I should start getting used to eating cat food now because the number was paltry but I honestly wouldn’t give up the flexibility I’ve had as a parent.Everyone makes their own choices and for me I chose this path. Every path comes with its mix of good and not-so-good. I love hearing how you listen to your gut and forge ahead.

  3. I approve of the new blog design, generic and all.
    I’m glad you quit. Y’all were miserable. No reason to put up with that if you can survive (and thrive, even) without it. I’ve practically been exhausted just reading about it. Don’t beat yourself up about it–your girls are your most important job, and you do great at that.

  4. Good for you. I admire that you know yourself, your girls and your limits. You’ll figure out what’s right for you 🙂
    I haven’t been reading as much as I usually do (darn busy life and all) and I really miss reading your blog. And your 101 things list… made me LOL… I needed that tonight. Thanks 🙂

    Trying not to be a stranger 😉

  5. Good for you! I work full time [plus some] and it still hurts, after having a year to get used to it, to not spend time with my son. I feel like he is missing a lot by not having me near. No one can raise your kids as well as you can. On the other hand, having some independence and being around other kids is very good for them also. But not necessarily for 9-10 hours a day, every week-day.

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