In the wee small hours.

I can’t sleep.  Which means that tomorrow is going to suck.  Even the cat gave up on me.  She was sitting here, stretched out on the arm of her my chair, but she just got up and went to bed.  To hell with you woman, she says with her tail sticking up in the air. 

It’s just one of those nights when I have too many thoughts and not enough xanax I guess.  I don’t know if it’s the Christmas letdown (I struck the tree and assorted dressings from the walls and tables) or the impending new year but there is something big bothering me.  I wish I knew what it was.  I wish I could find the aha! moment.  But those don’t come in the middle of the night do they?

I thought that I just needed some extra exercise.  It’s been nearly 3 months since advanced fat camp ended.  I suppose it’s not fat camp at all anymore once I went from a ‘weight loss’ class to a ‘fitness’ class.   Maybe I just think that since I’m still on the fat end of the class.  You’d think after almost a full year that I would have lost more than, what, 8% of my body weight.  I am the poster child for “slow and steady” although I will still never win that race.  I just don’t have it in me.

Too bad that the 8% cost me nearly 15% of my yearly income.  How’s that for a reality check?  If I add up membership costs, class cost, PT cost, shoes, bras (gets spendy when you must wear two at a time!)…that a lot of bank.  Which, honestly, I can barely afford.  I should be putting the littles into ballet or karate.  I should be saving it for my van that has a bad case of the gremlins.   

Granted, I do feel better.  I may not look better but I certainly feel better.  I am stronger for sure.  And, I can run jog trot nearly a mile without having to walk at all.  That’s a huge accomplishment.  I didn’t run the 5k like I wanted to but there’s always 2011.  I’ve also made more than a few friends along the way and a person can never have too many friends.  Or be too skinny.  Or too rich.  Or so I hear.  I wouldn’t know. 

It is difficult to be hopeful and optimistic in the middle of the night.  Kids are sicker at night.  People die at night.  Ella would tell you that noises are scarier at night.  And days are short right now; nights are cold.  Spring is so very far away. 

I really don’t know what’s going to happen in the coming year.  I can’t predict.  Maybe everything will change.  Or, maybe I’ll still be awake.

And wondering where I went wrong.

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